If you’re six weeks postpartum or six months pregnant and something feels off about your husband, this one’s for you. Maybe he’s snappier than he used to be, or working all the time. Maybe he’s there, but not really there.
You’ve probably been sold a tidy version of this season: mom is the one who needs support, and dad is the “support person.” Support people are supposed to be rocks. They’re not supposed to need anything.
Here’s what’s actually true underneath that: dads can get postpartum depression, it’s been documented for over 40 years, and almost nobody is watching for it.
In this post, we’ll talk about how common it really is, when it tends to show up, what it looks like (hint: it’s often not crying), why it gets missed, and what actually helps, from the research and from Scripture. If you’re a dad reading this, hi. I’m so glad you’re here. And Mama, you’re not walking through this alone.
Yes, Dads Get Postpartum Depression
Somewhere along the way, dad got filed under “support person,” and we forgot he’s a person too. But the research is clear.
One of the biggest analyses pulled data from 43 studies covering more than 28,000 fathers across 16 countries. It found that about 1 in 10 fathers experienced depression somewhere between pregnancy and the baby’s first birthday. Other large research teams have run similar analyses with different data and landed in the same neighborhood, roughly 8 to 10%.
You may also see numbers anywhere from 2 to 25%, and that’s true too. The range is wide because it depends on the country, the questionnaire used, and when researchers asked. A full clinical interview found about 5% of dads met the mark for depression, while a self-report questionnaire found about 11%. Both are true. They’re just measuring slightly different things.
It’s not as common as it is in moms, but it’s definitely not rare.
Your mental health and his are also tied together. When a mom has postpartum depression, dad’s risk can rise to around 50%. And up to 3 in 100 couples end up with both parents depressed at the same time. That’s a newborn in the house with two exhausted, hurting people trying to hold everything together.
Now, every one of those links is a correlation. Nobody has proven which way it runs. I’m not saying you’re causing his depression. It might be that yours is pulling him down, or his is pulling you down, or it might be both of you crushed under the same sleep deprivation and financial stress. We don’t know.
But the point stands: supporting Dad isn’t taking away from supporting Mom. It’s part of supporting Mom.
That’s not weakness on his part. It’s one flesh, feeling the weight together.
When It Shows Up: Later Than You’d Think
Maternal postpartum depression tends to show up in the first few weeks and months, so that’s the window everybody watches. Then around the six-week checkup, we all breathe out and say, we made it.
Dad’s depression tends to come on more slowly, and it can surface at any point in that first year. He may be quietly sliding downhill right when everyone has stopped checking on him and the meal train has ended.
You may have seen a big number, about 25% of dads in the three-to-six-month window. That number is everywhere, but even that study’s authors said to interpret it cautiously, since only a few studies measured that window, and later, larger studies didn’t find the same spike. So I won’t tell you there’s a magic peak at month four. What I will tell you is that it builds gradually, tied to work pressure and exhaustion, and it can arrive long after we’ve stopped looking.
And here’s the strongest predictor we have: the biggest sign a dad will be depressed after the baby comes is being depressed before the baby comes. The prenatal season is not too early to start paying attention.
That’s not overreacting. It’s noticing early.
What It Actually Looks Like (It’s Not Always Crying)
We tend to picture depression as sadness, tears, and staying in bed. In men, it often looks different. Researchers describe:
- Irritability and anger
- Withdrawal from friends and things he used to love
- Working longer hours
- Drinking more
- Feeling restless, short-tempered, or numb
One Australian study of several hundred men, including new fathers, found almost 1 in 4 reported strong physical anger, like wanting to punch or break something. Fathers with both severe depression and severe anger also scored lower on bonding with their baby. That’s one study with small numbers in its severe group, so I’d call it a signal worth naming, not a settled fact.
Here’s what I’ll say as a doula: if the man in your house has gotten harder to be around, he might be a man who is drowning and doesn’t have the words for it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love your baby. It might be depression wearing a mask.
Cultural pressure makes it worse. We tell men to be the rock, so a lot of them hide it.
Consider Elijah in 1 Kings 19. He has just had the biggest win of his life, with fire from heaven and the prophets of Baal defeated. Then Jezebel sends a death threat, and Elijah runs into the wilderness, sits under a broom tree, and asks God to take his life. God doesn’t rebuke him or preach at him. He sends an angel who touches him and says, “Arise and eat.” Elijah eats and lies back down. Then the angel comes a second time: “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.”
Food, water, and sleep, twice, before any lesson. God’s first response to a broken-down man was to meet his body’s needs. I won’t say Elijah had clinical depression, because we can’t diagnose someone from thousands of years away. But Scripture shows a godly man in deep despair, met with no shame and no condemnation.
So Mama, when your husband is spiraling, your first move might not be a deep conversation. It might be a meal, or protecting his sleep, with a gentle question later.
Call for help right away if: you or someone you know is having thoughts of death or self-harm. Call or text 988. If there’s immediate danger, call 911. You don’t have to fix him or find the perfect words.
That’s not neglect. It’s care that starts with the body, exactly the way God’s did.
Why It Gets Missed
This isn’t because people don’t care. Our systems just weren’t built with him in mind.
- There’s no formal diagnosis specific to fathers. The official manual only counts depression as peripartum if it starts during pregnancy or in the first four weeks after birth. That window misses most of when Dad’s depression actually shows up.
- Our screening tools were built for mothers. The most common one is the 10-question Edinburgh questionnaire. In one review, the cutoff score for men ranged from as low as 4 or 5 to as high as 12 or 13, which means the same dad could screen positive in one clinic and negative in another. Fathers were also much less likely than mothers to say yes to several questions, especially the ones about crying and self-harm. So a dad can be genuinely struggling, not crying and not suicidal but angry and numb, and still score as fine.
- The standard maternity pathway doesn’t include him. ACOG’s major 2023 guideline on perinatal mental health screening covers the pregnant or postpartum patient, and partners aren’t part of it. That’s not ACOG being wrong. Dad just isn’t the patient. The AAP goes a step further, saying pediatricians should consider screening the partner at the six-month visit, though some researchers argue that’s too late for many dads. And most new fathers do attend well-baby visits. The gap exists because there’s no validated screening tool built for fathers and no clear plan for what to do with a positive result.
The system won’t always notice, but you might.
Exodus 18 shows what that looks like. Moses is judging disputes alone from morning to evening, and his father-in-law Jethro watches him and says, “What you are doing is not good. You will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you.” Jethro doesn’t just offer to help. He names the problem out loud and gives Moses a real plan to share the load.
Mama, you might be the Jethro in your house. So might your mom, your mother-in-law, a friend, or a pastor. Someone has to say, this is too heavy for you, and I’m not going to let you carry it alone.
That’s not nagging. It’s Jethro-level love.
What Actually Helps
I want to set an honest expectation up front: this is the thinnest part of the research. There are no randomized controlled trials of treatment for postpartum depression in men. None. Standard treatment is recommended because paternal depression can meet the criteria for major depression, not because it’s been tested specifically in dads. So I can’t promise a proven fix. But here’s where the evidence points.
- Ask him directly, and ask the right questions. Ask more than once, and later than you think, anywhere in that first year. Don’t just ask, “Are you sad?” Ask about his patience, his sleep, his drinking, and whether he feels numb. Those are the ways it hides.
- Protect his sleep and ease the money pressure. These aren’t soft interventions. Sleep trouble and financial strain are closely tied to depression and anxiety in the research on partners, and a man who hasn’t slept in weeks doesn’t have the reserves.
- Give him something made for him. A review of 12 trials found that programs made just for dads reduced anxiety, while generic couples’ classes didn’t move the needle for him. What gets fathers to show up? Online or phone options, less time, male leaders, and framing it around fatherhood rather than diagnosis. A new dad group gets a man in the room, where depression screening often doesn’t.
- If he’s struggling, point him to his doctor. I’m a doula, not a physician, so I can’t diagnose him. But a primary care provider or counselor can. Plenty of fathers do want help. They just don’t often get asked.
- If one of you is depressed, check on the other. That’s the screening rule researchers actually propose. Mom struggling? Check on Dad. Dad struggling? Check on Mom.
Point him to his doctor if: his irritability, withdrawal, numbness, or drinking has become the new normal, or if he’s not sleeping or functioning the way he usually does. A primary care provider or counselor can evaluate him. And if there’s any mention of self-harm, call or text 988.
For mothers, strong evidence shows that a nurse or midwife visiting the home, or a peer calling by phone, cut the risk of postpartum depression roughly in half. I won’t claim that’s proven for dads, but look at what those things are: a person coming to the house and a friend picking up the phone. That’s exactly what a small group or friend circle can do.
Here’s my doula insight, and I want to be clear it’s from my time in birth rooms and postpartum homes and my own life as a mom, not from a study. Dads almost never get asked how they’re doing. Everyone asks about Mom and the baby, and Dad stands there saying, “I’m good, I’m good.” So ask him a specific question, alone and not on stage. Not “How are you?” Try, “When’s the last time you slept more than four hours in a row?” or “What’s the hardest part of your day right now?” He can answer those honestly without feeling like he has to declare a crisis. Then set reminders on your phone for the three-, six-, and nine-month marks, so you’re checking in even when you’re running on no sleep yourself.
A word about Scripture, because this is where well-meaning people can accidentally hurt a struggling man. A few verses get handed out like Band-Aids:
- Philippians 4:13 (“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”) is often used to mean push through. Paul wrote it as a thank-you note for a gift sent to him in prison. Read correctly, it says the opposite of “man up”: it’s okay to need people.
- 1 Corinthians 10:13 is the source of “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” But read it, and it’s about temptation, not suffering or mental illness.
- 1 Timothy 5:8 gets weaponized against men struggling to work. Paul is talking about the church supporting widows, not a new dad’s productivity. And impaired work performance is itself a symptom of depression.
So what does Scripture give a hurting man? It gives him language. Psalm 34 says the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Near, not impatient. In Psalm 42, the psalmist preaches hope to his own soul, and in the very next line he’s still downcast. Lament doesn’t resolve in one beat. About a third of the psalms are laments, and God gave hurting people a whole songbook. Even Charles Spurgeon, one of the most famous preachers in history, wrote openly about his own long seasons of depression. If your husband thinks admitting this makes him less of a man, remind him he’s in good company.
A few honest caveats. The research on dads is still young and mostly from wealthy Western countries, and many studies are small. We don’t have a widely validated screening tool for fathers, and we don’t know which way the link between Mom’s and Dad’s depression runs. A father’s depression is associated with a higher risk of emotional struggles in kids, but that’s an association, not proof of cause. It’s a reason to get him support early, not a reason for guilt.
That’s not the church’s job to fix him. It’s our job to sit with him.
The Anchor for This Season
Mama, Isaiah 66:13 says, “As a mother comforts her newborn, so I will comfort you.”
That promise is for you, and it’s for the man you love too. God has said some version of I see you, and you’re not alone to every hurting person in Scripture, and He’s saying it to your husband right now. You don’t have to have the perfect words tonight. You just have to say, “I see you.”
One Small Step
Pick the one that fits where you are this week:
- If you’re pregnant: Ask your husband, “How are you feeling about all of this?” And then really listen.
- If you’re in the early newborn weeks: Take one thing off his plate, or protect one stretch of his sleep.
- If you’re three months in or more: Ask him, “What’s the hardest part of your day right now?” And if what you hear worries you, gently point him toward his doctor.
- If you’re a friend or family member: Text the new dad this week and say, “I’m thinking of you. How are you doing, really?”
Let’s Talk
Have you seen this in your own home, or walked through it yourself as a dad? Leave a comment or send me a message. Your story might be exactly what another family needs to hear, and none of us should be doing this alone.
Want the full conversation? Listen to Episode 7: When Dad’s Not Okay – Paternal Postpartum Depression of the Beloved Motherhood Podcast. Sources are in the show notes.
Next week: We close out our month with faith and encouragement, exploring two often-overlooked spiritual disciplines, return and receive, in the context of motherhood.
If you or someone you love is thinking about ending your life or hurting yourself or someone else, call or text 988 right now. If there’s immediate danger, call 911. You matter. Your husband matters. Your children matter.